Inspired by seeing the speculation over a new series of the classic sci-fi sit-com Red Dwarf ( http://www.reddwarf.co.uk/news/2010/06/11/craig-speaks-out/ ) I wondered what potential new episodes would be like. This is the complete rundown of my ideas for series 10 & 11 : (In the end I decided not to include a porn episode entitled 'Dwarf Tossing')
Series 10
1. Schindler's Lister - Followed by a totally incomprehensible 2 minute explanation of everything that's gone on in Red Dwarf before, The Red Dwarf crew arrive in a Nazi concentration camp. With hilarious consequences.
2. The Vicar is Dibbley - Cat's geeky alter ego Duane Dibbley becomes the vicar of a small village( and has a new-found craving for chocolate oranges). Without any hilarious consequences.
3. Robot Whores - Kryten visits an android red light district. Lister shouts a lot and gets over excited.
4. Cat on a Hot Tin Roof - Self explanatory really. Expect lots of Danny John Jules tap dancing.
5. Shopping Lister - The crew must go to the shopping planet Sainsdsco to stock up on supplies. But the trollies have minds of their own.
6. Polymorph Begins - Set in the time when the genetic mutant creature was just known as Morph and spent a lot of time on Tony Hart's desk.
The Holly and the IV - Christmas Special where Holly the computer gets the ship stranded between two periods of time at once and the crew have to do battle with their younger selves from series 4.
Series 11
1. Smeg Heads - Rimmer & Lister get trapped inside a giant fridge.
2. Cat's Cradle - The cat has kittens - literally. Panic ensues when the ship runs out of wool
3. Brahms & Lister - Rimmer becomes Rimmersky-Korsakov as the whole crew turn into classical composers and get very drunk.
4. Top Cat - Cat falls into a cartoon universe where he meets a gang of other cats and has to outwit Space Officer Dibbley.
5. Kristine - In a nod to the Stephen King / John Carpenter film, when the crew finally do track
down Kochanski they discover that she is now dead but her mind possesses the body of a vintage spaceship.
6. Arniegeddon - Series finale. Epic disaster movie style episode where the crew try to prevent certain death by both an asteroid shower and Holly's planned 'Nuclear Hollycaust' armed with only a couple of tatty vests and a 1990s hard rock soundtrack.
Plaudits must go to the incredibly witty @BertSwattermain who came up with many good episode ideas too, including 'Cat's got your tongue - an episode enacted entirely through the medium of mime', 'Cat O'Nine Tails' in which 'A space virus causes the crew to grow extra limbs. Hilarity ensues because Rimmer has six cocks' and 'Aye Aye Robot' where Kryten thinks he's Captain Spack Jarrow and renames the ship the Red Pearl.' Also @mark_spencer came up with the brilliant idea of (due to BBC cutbacks) combining Red Dwarf with Doctor Who and having Kryten punch the new doctor for being a 'smug head'.
I hope Grant Naylor Productions are taking notes on this and I fully expect to see some of these episodes airing on the Dave Channel next year.
