Asda, the previous winners of the title for the last 10 years are out of the running as there sadly isn't one on the island. A shame, and I quite miss them, especially their 'Smart Price' food range which is like normal food, but with all the quality, taste and joy removed beforehand. I really don't know how they manage it, time after time, making similar goods to all other stores ... but nowhere near as nice. It never ceases to amaze me.
Prior to that, Kwik Save had been the main recipient of the title, due to their poor spelling and the fact that they were neither 'kwik', nor much of a saving. There was a particularly grim store near where I lived that was permanently grey with grime and the shelving looked as if it had been made from Mecchano. Still, you did get cardboard boxes to take your shopping home in, which was a bonus.
So who wins the prestigious title this year then?
No, it's not Sainsburys- despite living next door to one and being woken up early in the morning each day by delivery vans- and their Self Service tills which can't seem to complete a transaction without having a mad bleeping fit about the 'Item Not Placed In Bag'. It's a tiny fucking sachet, you metal tit! It weighs about as much as a feather. You couldn't possibly know if it was placed on the scales or not, you electronic piece of fuckwittery!
The winner by a mile is.... *drum roll* ... Tescos.
And not just for Tesco Mary from X Factor either, a singer so dull she makes Susan Boyle sound 'edgy' and 'contemporary'. No, Tesco win hands down for their Customer-Unfriendly, Impossible- to - Navigate home delivery shopping site. Want some shopping delivered? Well good luck to you, because it will take you the entire day to find the shopping you want. I have wasted entire weeks of my life scrolling up and down trying to find a particular bottle of squash or packet of cereal. Don't even bother trying to find particular CD or book on there- you will be trying for months.
And when you finally think you have done your shopping- oh, no you haven't! Because when it arrives - and a grumpy bloke in a van turns up late moaning about not being able to find you - there will be loads of items wrapped up in little blue bags. This means- 'Fuck You. We couldn't be arsed to find what you actually wanted so we're fobbing you off with this heap of random shit replacement things instead'.
So , you couldn't find a carton of apple juice in the whole of Tescos, could you? All ran out, had you? All you had left was a carton of Breakfast Juice, was it? FFS! I ordered a pack of 6 pork faggots because I needed 6 pork faggots. Why the fucking fuck did you decide to replace them with TWO packs of 2 Pork faggots? By my calculations that makes 4. So what happened there then? Were these the last 4 pork faggots in existence? Is that all there is?Have they stopped making them now? Or is t that you can't you do the basic maths? And the two packs of 4 Beef Quarter pounders- why did you put in one pack... and then another pack of Quarter Pounders with Chilli? I don't want Quarter Pounders with Chilli. Did you not read the label properly? Or do you only have one of each item? Are you getting your stuff from a tiny freezer in a corner shop somewhere? Christ, - you are the biggest supermarket in the UK, you ballbags. So why does it feel like you're giving me wartime rations?
And NEVER EVER EVER buy any meat or dairy things from Tesco online - because they will all run out of date about two days after they arrive! Half the things I've brought from them I ended up having to replace or buy extra portions from somewhere else - so I spent nearly twice as much on shopping as I intended to.
Also, Tesco, I think it would be a good idea if you gave away magnifying glasses with every order so that your own brand stuff appears normal sized. Has everything been shrunk? Your chickens are little more than runty pigeons and your Mega- Giganto-Collosso-Family-Bargain Buckets are like everyone else's 'Set Meals for One'.
So Well done Tesco - you have made shopping much more difficult, stressful, expensive, pointless and disappointing than it ever should be. Every Little helps? Well,thanks for nothing. I think you've been Very Little Help.
