2009 has been a crazy bastard of a year and I think I need to do a brief recap of it about now in order to explain why my wife and kids and I are currently living with my inlaws ( or Compo and Norah as they don't know that I like to call them) and to tell you about my Costliest Joke.
After Jude died in January we came back from Birmingham to Nuneaton and had to deal with all the usual crap from Tax credit and all the usual idiots who send you made up bills with random figures on them (Thanks guys, much appreciated ).Then I returned to work and found that everything had changed...
I had worked since November 2003 as a bookseller in Coventry. I ran the Children's Book section and I had found Ottakar's a lovely company to work for, one that cared about it's staff and customers and of course, books. I worked damn hard, wrote many reviews, was a key player in judging the Children's Book Prize and I was held in highly regard by Head Office. It wasn't to last however.
W*t*rst*n*s, a company who don't give a flying fuck for any of it's staff, customers or books, just the Pursuit of Making as Much Money as They Can, bought out Ottakar's and in just over a year managed to squeeze all the life out of the company, stamping on it like a Grim Reaper in Giant Hobnailed Boots. There were a third of the staff that used to work there and the job was constantly being updated to be made much more complicated and stressful. When I returned, everyone's jobs were unstable as devastating changes to the contract were being put into place, the final nails in the coffin for many a longstanding bookseller.
As a few managers themselves testified to The Bookseller magazine, they were being told to 'Get Rid of Staff- By Whatever Means Necessary'. As someone who was unafraid to speak out against the cliqueness, bad decisions and general double-standards within the store I was prime target.
I often doodle on newspapers or add funny comments and this became very popular with other members of staff. When a colleague brought in a copy of the Daily Mirror and left it on the staff room table I couldn't resist. The picture on the front was of Barack Obama meeting the Queen and Prince Philip, the latter looking decidedly uncomfortable. I thought it was hilarious so I drew a speech bubble coming from Prince Philip's mouth and wrote the words 'Hands off Darkie, She's Mine!' in it. I thought it would have been obvious to anyone with half a brain that I was satirising the Duke's well-known xenophobic attitude.
The following Monday (the day when the rules were changed to make it easier to sack people in these matters!) I got hauled into the Manager's Office and I was treated like a sack of shit. I was told I was suspended for Gross Misconduct, that they could sack me. That I was a Racist. I told them that was absurd. That I hated racism with a passion, that the joke was anti-racist, that I lived in the middle of a large Asian Community and got on very well with everybody, that my best friend (who I'd known for 28 years) was Moslem, that if they wanted me to explain to the anonymous person who took offence then I would do gladly, and that this was an unnecessarily underhand way to deal with the situation. I pointed out the irony and hypocrisy of someone getting offended by a word who worked in a bookshop, who was surrounded by millions of 'bad' words , hundreds of shocking pictures or potentially offensive opinions. That it was utterly mad that a word should be deemed so offensive that ANY usage of it whatsoever was wrong.
I was told no, we don't care. It's Racist, that's that. I was told I couldn't talk to anybody about it, couldnt go on Facebook, couldnt have any contact with other members of staff, that I couldn't even go to a birthday party ffs! (all complete lies). I was then escorted out of the building - after I'd ask to leave and they wouldn't let me!
I spent the next few weeks seething, not sleeping and making a huge file full of reasons why their accusation was complete and utter bullshit - examples of Racist jokes/drawings by other staff members, Duke of Edinburgh quotes, similar gags from HIGNFY, what my friend Mohammed thought of it, other people's views on the D word and its use in literature etc -
But at the hearing in Birmingham they didn't want to know about any of it. My thoughts were irrelevant. The person conducting the hearing - close friend of both the manager and the person I believe made the complaint - was acting as Judge, Jury and executioner.
I scraped a final warning. You could tell he was annoyed that he couldn't get enough of a confession out of me to sack me outright. I could go back to work - but then How the Fuck can you possibly go back to work after that? Your manager wants you out, another staff member wants you out - and they can make your life a living hell and if you put a word out of line they can sack you. Everyone else had been interviewed for their jobs. I had to have an interview even though I was selecting Redundancy - even though I would've lost half the points by being on a Gross Misconduct charge. ( They still made me sweat it out wondering if I still had a job though, Fuckers)
Luckily I only had to go back to work for 3 days before I had an operation on my foot (to remove ganglions) By the time I was recovered I no longer had a job and I was finally free of the Evil Empire. The two other original Ottakars staff at the store left at the same time.
Two good things happened next - I discovered the therapeutic properties of Twitter (where there were lots of lovely people and I could make all the jokes I wanted) and we took a much-needed family holiday to the Isle of Wight (my wife's favourite place and the kids have fallen in love with it too).
When we returned, we had an Electric inspection . The house had faulty wiring, water pouring into the hallway, dripping bitumen under the stairs, there were lead pipes, cracks along the bath, electric circuits that were 30 years out of date... It wasn't safe. The landlord had took the majority of the winter getting the lounge gas fire fixed. We had to move out fast. A friend had a property she was willing to let and we moved... but we didn't. We had too much stuff! It would've been impossible for us to fit in - (Plus it is pretty disgusting and there always a fresh dog poo outside the gate ) so we left our belongings in the friend's house and decamped to my in-laws. Which brings us just about up to date.
Except to say: we're off again! My wife has got a job in Southampton and we're moving into a flat above a shop in Cowes in two weeks time (without seeing it! ) It is furnished so we have to downsize and dejunk furniture pretty rapidly . The next few weeks are going to be Hell on Earth but after that... I think that life is heading us all in the right direction.
If Jude hadn't have died, or if I hadn't lost my job, we'd never have done it. We'd have always thought 'Oh, that'd be nice' but never actually done anything about it. And we'd have been caught up in a loop and life would have gone on the same for years, day-in. day-out. But now, with nothing to lose, nothing to leave behind we have been cornered into making some big life-altering decisions. Hopefully, it'll turn out to be a good fresh start for the family.
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