Last Night I was in Ancient Rome.

There was an Open Evening at the local High School last night. I had to sit through a whole load of tiresome waffle from the head teacher and the architects about plans for a new build. They might be able to create amazing new futuristic buildings but they couldn't understand the simple principle of holding a microphone to their lips in order to be heard clearly. Instead they stood and mumbled away like a pair of old grannies outside a fruit & veg shop. They could have been moaning about 'oh, he's too good for her' or 'it's not like the old days, is it' for all I could make out.

However I did enjoy the student choir's renditions of songs by Lady Gaga, Mika and the Cranberries. Although I did wonder what message was being conveyed about to the standard of education on offer as they belted out ' what's in your he-ead? In your he-e-e-ead? Zo-om-bie!... '

But best of all imho was .. The Classroom of the Future!!!! Yes, in future classrooms you can't sit on anything that looks remotely like a chair or sit at anything that looks remotely like a table. Soft, brightly coloured weird shapes will be the order of the day. If it looks like something from out of Teletubbies or In the Night Garden then so much the better. And there were Voting Eggs- litle oval things with keypads full of buttons to press your answer in a Who Wants to Be a Millionaire type way.

The best thing though was a giant 3D screen. I put on my big Bono glasses and watched in amazement as biological dissections and geometric shapes flew all around me. This was the way to learn things properly - looking like a rock star twat and dodging a whole load of expensive flying graphics. There was also a programme which made it look as if you were moving through the empty computer game streets of Ancient Rome on a sort of conveyorbelt. It was utterly stunning - I was bloody loving all this I can tell you. Unfortunately my wife was completely hating it and she was wondering where all the books and proper classrooms were. Spoilsport. I want the school to really embrace future thinking and for my daughter to wear a shiny silver spacesuit for a school uniform, travel to school by jetpack, be taught by robots and eat roast dinners out of tubes.