Having Sky installed, especially after about six months of terrestrial channels , made me feel a little sordid. Not just because it was created and controlled by Evil Mediatyrant Uberbastard Rupert Murdoch - ( a kind of Napoleon from Animal Farm for the Digiwank Generation.) But also because of all the sex channels - there are loads. Far too many fucking channels!
Everyone who has ever had Sky installed must've idly (and one-handedly) flicked through these channels at some point and wondered stuff like 'Why is that girl wearing black tape on her vag?' It is actually quite depressing flicking through and seeing channel after channel of garishly made up topless women and there are a lot of close ups where you might as well be watching a couple of blancmanges on a trampoline. Admittedly, most of these channels you do have to pay extra for but there are more than enough freeviews and ads and gyrating women wobbling their buttocks, sucking their manicured fingers and fellating their mobile phones to satisfy any casual tosser. Especially ones who can lipread.
But whoa! There's way too much- surely it's a saturated market (could've worded that better)- and it's one I often feel quite uncomfortable about in certain areas (could've worded that better too). Even if I did pay out for one of these multichannel packages, It's not all that exciting to watch , really, is it? I mean a few minutes of slurping followed by a lot of huffing and puffing ? It's all just in-out, in-out, turn around, in-out, in-out, Sploort, isn't it? Just the pork tram pulling into Grimsby? It's just one set of reproductive organs... slamming... repeatedly... into ... another... again and ...again... ooh, excuse me, a moment ....
Now don't get me wrong here -I'm not about to come over all Mary Shitehouse (must amend that sentence) and bang on about 'thrusting sex down people's throats' or similar (hhmm, this is proving difficult trying to phrase things for this one). I like seeing pretty girls taking off their clothing as much as the next person. Unless the next person is Dale Winton. But what I think I'm uneasy about is that it's there without asking for it. It's like opening a book by your favourite author and realising that at the back is 50 pages of writhing nekkidness. Or going to the cinema to watch Sex in the City (not that I would ever advise anybody to do such a fucking horrendous thing) and getting an extra half an hour of something tawdry called 'Sexing the Clitty'. I'm not saying it's any worse, just that it's an out-of-context distraction and it doesn't quite belong. You should have the option to activate the channels, but they shouldn't already be there automatically.
It's like reading The Sun- (if anyone actually does that and doesn't just ogle and collect the holiday coupons.) I don't WANT Zoe, Young-enough-to-be-your-daughter of London, parading her newlyformed paps as if she's only just discovered them alongside some hack bullshit comment about David Cameron 's politics making her feel sexy . FUCK RIGHT OFF! It's a newspaper. GIMME NEWS THEN YOU LAZY JOURNO CUNTYBEARS. You want to see a ladies' rudie bits in printed form? OK-buy a porn mag. Want to see them on video performing naughty acts? Get a DVD from a sex shop or go to Red Tube or similar (er... so I'm told). At least these things are honest about what they are. I don't want titties in my face when I'm just trying to watch tv or read a paper. I don't want them there. I want to get on with my life,thank you very much. As a human man, I am penis-powered enough - I don't need to be encouraged to think filthy thoughts when I don't want to.
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