Feeling Louse-y

Kids!

You think you're just going off to collect a couple of little 'uns back from school, when what you're actually doing is collecting a couple of hundred little 'uns back from school. Most of these (unless you really are taking a whole load more schoolchildren back home with you (#notgoingthere #hopeitsforabirthdayparty) will be tiny, microscopic bastards known as Pediculus Humanus Capitis AKA Headlice AKA Nits AKA Ohfucknotyoufuckingtossbagsagain. These bugs are a bit of a bugbear and I can't buggering bear them.

I'm sure we never had them like this when I was little. True, we had Nitnurses that came to the school, but I can't remember any of them ever finding anything. Now they've mutated into evil, super-resilient beasts (the nits not the nurses) and they're everywhere. Every town, every school, every classroom, just about every head. Makes me itch just thinking about it.

They really are the most persistent little shitters in the world, discounting Jehovah's Witnesses and Jedward, obviously. And, as I'm gradually discovering NOTHING GETS RID OF THEM. So far we've tried and failed with Hedrin, vinegar, vodka and Nitty Gritty combs. We even poured jars of mayonnaise on our heads (which makes your hair feel quite luxurious but you do smell of egg). Try it yourself, it's fun for all the family.

I don't tend to get them but the rest of the family is usually riddled. I think I must be immune or have really unpleasant, substandard foul-tasting hair, the hair equivalent of Asda Basics. But I have to be deloused along with the rest of the family just to be on the safe side. And you can't just try vanquishing the lice once, either, because the chances are they've laid eggs in your hair and then you've got the next generation to deal with. It's probably best done at least 3 or 4 times to make completely sure.

So this Sunday it's the usual 'Spending All Day Sunday Trying to Get Rid of Headlice ' ritual. We will all be once again be pouring Listerine mouthwash on our hair, which seems to work best so far (also good for athlete's foot, apparently, though I don't advise gargling with Hedrin). For added amusement we will also be sporting plastic shopping bags on our heads with circular holes cut in them for our faces. Last time I had two pointy ends of a Sainsbury's bag sticking up in the air so I looked like a poorly animated orange cat. I tried to work it best I could, but it wasn't a good look and I don't expect it to catch on any time soon.

Frustratingly, it's all probably all for nothing anyway because of course the kids have to go back to school and mix with other children. And you can always tell who your kids' best friends are : they're going to be the ones whose hair is visibly on the move, the ones who have them crawling all over their faces because the lice have ran out of head space.

Excuse me, I think I need to scratch my head a bit now....