Goodbye Mum

Goodbye Mum.

It feels strange calling you that. You never let me call you that. I always called you by your first name as you thought 'Mum' sounded too old. But I like it. It indicates a bond between us that was never there.

I know you always hated me. I never hated you though. I always wanted your respect and approval but never got it. We have not spoken for 8 years but I never gave up hoping. I only wish that things could have been different between us.

I would've loved to have been able to have helped you. You had psychological problems - depression, schizophrenia, paranoia - but you could never admit it to yourself. Your erratic behaviour drove you apart from your family - a sister who was only referred to a couple of times and two brothers who were only ever mentioned once - and also my Dad's family.

My dads parents were really lovely people. They were never the demons you made them out to be. It's a shame I only got to know them when I was an adult and when they only had a year or two left to live. But it was a pleasure to have known them and I am so glad that I got to reunite my Dad with them at the end. I'm quite proud of that.

And so I became the villain. You saw enemies everywhere. You always had to have an enemy, someone whose fault it all was. It was sadly inevitable that once I had patched up the relationship between my Dad and his family that it was going to be me, that it was my turn to be the baddie. I could no longer do anything right in your eyes. The atmosphere in the house when I came to visit became very tense, the temperature sub zero. I became terrified of you - I dreaded going round to see you because I knew you were going to say horrible things about me and belittle me in front of my family.

Looking back now it seems that I didn't have a choice. I did the only thing that I could do to protect my family and my sanity. After one particularly bad screaming-at, (during which you made it clear that you hated me, didn't care what I thought, didn't care what I said...) I stood up and told you that it was unacceptable behaviour to talk to anybody like that, that I couldn't take it any more. And I demanded an apology.

I have waited 8 years for that apology and I don't think I'll be getting one now. The decision to walk away from you was the best (and one of the hardest)decisions I have ever made and I don't regret it for one single moment. I saved myself from further mental bullying and I saved my children from having to witness that kind of behaviour.

I wish that it had all been different, of course. I wish that we could have been a normal family, with love and hugs and respect for each other. I wish that my Dad had had the balls to stand up to you and not just nod his head blindly at everything you said. You always wore the trousers in that relationship, eh?

I am glad you didn't suffer for too long at the end. From diagnosis (Pancreatic cancer from your heavy drinking) to coma and a quick, peaceful death at home (by which time it had spread to other organs) in just 3 weeks. You never wanted to get old and fragile, did you?

It's a shame you were the way you were. You missed out on other people. Not just me and my family, but your family, Dad's family and all the friends you may have got had you not verbally attacked and pushed everyone else in your life away over the years. Most people are a lot nicer than you ever gave them credit for.

I would like to eventually get my Dad back as a friend, although my name will be poison now. I will give him some time but it's not going to be easy for either of us. My brother (who has Asperger's and schizophrenia and suicidal tendencies) never really understood what was going on, just enjoyed being your favourite son. But the negative voices he hears in his head say very similar things to what you have said to me in the past.

I am a very lucky man. I finally know what a family's love feels like. If ever one of my children hated me I would be utterly devastated. Not angry. And I would do anything I could to get them back because I love them so much. I cannot understand what you did to me: all the hurt and hate and venom over the years. How could you ever do that to your son? I just don't get it at all.

R.I.P. Mum. Hope you now have all the peace and inner harmony you never found whilst you were alive. I would have loved to have made peace with you but deep in my heart I knew that that was something you would never have let happen. I was not meant to know that you were terminally ill and I had to respect your wishes. I had no wish to open old wounds. It wouldn't have been right and it wouldn't have been fair to my family. I didn't want to pass that shit on. I am not angry, could never be angry. I just feel sorry for you and the way things were and I wished it all could have been so different.
Love, your son. x